Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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