did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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