Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
