i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
