The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize