My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
please come you make the beer taste better
nutella sex= disaster
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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