Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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