I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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