I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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