Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
