I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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