quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
im six kinds of drunk right now
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
