my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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