Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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