Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
