why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
