you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
