That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
