how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
