Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
