I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
