Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
