She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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