in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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