I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
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