I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
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