My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
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