My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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