When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
