evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
