Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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