dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
