I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
