It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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