so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize