I love black thongs
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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