you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Randomize
