I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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