When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
a search helicopter?!
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
