rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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