Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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