he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
