you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
