Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
