Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize