My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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