she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
