Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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