areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
