I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize