I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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