I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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