He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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