we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
