dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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