My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I intend to get homeless drunk
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
