I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize