If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
