Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
