Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize