Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize