Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You were trust falling into bushes
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
