I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
