It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
