you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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