I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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