If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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