Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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