Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
