Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
